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By my freshman year of college I heard
about an “ex-gay” counseling ministry in Oklahoma City that claimed they
could transform a person into a normal heterosexual. I began
attending both individual counseling sessions as well as a group session
once week. The program did little then encourage me to continue what
I had already been doing for the past six years. Pray, read the
Bible, avoid evil and temptation, and try to be as straight as possible.
I stuck with the program for about a year until I had finished their
“Living Waters” curriculum. It had supposedly helped “thousands”,
but I was just as gay when I left as when I started.
I was reaching the end of my rope. I didn’t know what else to do.
At this point giving in to my desires was not an option. I
believed to do that would mean condemning myself to hell for all
eternity. I wanted to be healed just like Dennis Jernigan. I
wanted to be set free and able to marry a woman and have a family just
like my ex-gay counselors. Why did God love them more then me?
Why did He set them free and leave me dieing? I decided the only
way to prove to others that I had been good enough do deserve God’s
healing was to just pretend He had healed me.
May 25, 1997 I began sharing a new story of how God had “set me free of
homosexuality”. I shared with my family, and told my best friends.
I even began to travel to different churches across Oklahoma and
eventually in to Missouri, Arkansas, and Kansas preaching and telling
them how God had “set me free”. I decided if that if I was going
to claim to be free I might as well marry a woman, start a family, and
grow my ministry all on the basis that I was an “ex-gay”. The
whole time I knew on the inside I was living a lie, and every moment I
dug my grave deeper and deeper.
Luckily, I somehow got hold of a book written by Rev. Mel White called
Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America. As I
read the book, it felt as if Mel had written about my own story.
He explained how for years he had struggled to be free from
homosexuality and nothing ever worked. He described his love for
God, and how he developed a successful ministry. How he married a
wonderful woman and raised a family. All the time denying his true
self. Eventually he could live a lie no longer. He left his
wife and children and began living as a gay man.
He continues his story detailing how eventually he also came to terms
with his faith, and came to believe God loves him just as he is.
Unfortunately the latter part of his story did not quite sink in to me.
All I could focus on was how he had left his family and lost his
ministry. Those were two things I did not want to happen to me,
but I felt they were inevitable. I knew eventually I would not be
able to hide my true feelings any more. I would end up destroying
my family and my ministry. In my heart I believed that there was
only one way to prevent such a tragedy. I would never let any of
it happen in the first place. I could not get married or have a
family. I would discontinue my ministry. And I would embrace
“the gay lifestyle”. To do this would mean eternal damnation, but
in my mind I was sacrificing my life for that of my future family and
those involved with my ministry.
Within only one week of making this decision, I told my family and
friends that I had been living a lie. They all knew how hard I had
fought to be set free, and like me they all believed I would be destined
for hell if I gave into me sexual desires. Many tried to get me to
change me mind, but I assured them I had made my decision and it was the
only way. Some refused to speak to me. Others like my
grandmother wrote me letters and constantly called me on the phone
begging me not to give up. My grandmother even made the statement
that if I was going to hell then she wanted to go too, because heaven
would not be heaven for her with out me there.
The pain was worse now then ever. Not only had I lost my dream to
have a wife and children, I had also lost my dream to have a ministry.
I had lost my friends. I had lost my family. I had lost my God.
I had lost my total reality. I came extremely close to taking my
own life.
On a particular Sunday morning in January of 1999 I found myself in
church. The denomination really makes no difference. I
believe were ever I would have been that day God would have found me.
Near the end of the service the minister lifted up a piece of bread and
the cup of wine that was to be used for communion, and she said, “These
are the gifts of God for the People of God.” Suddenly my heart
leaped inside me. I realize that I had come to God’s house, and He
was asking me to eat at His table. In that instant I knew God
loved me. I knew He wanted to be apart of my life no matter who I
was. I knew unlike me friends and family He would never turn me
away. Now that I had finally given up trying to be good enough for
God, He was able to help me understand He loves and created me just the
way I am. Finally my search for freedom was over. Now I am finally
free.
Although knew God loved me, my hope to have my own family, a ministry,
and a continued relationship with my friends and family members had all
been lost. God had to bring me to a point where I lost everything,
so that I could realize He was the One who had found me all along.
Within only a few months of telling my friends and family that I had
decided to embrace being gay, they returned to me. Initially many
of them ran as fast as they could away from me, but after realizing that
God truly had embraced me just as I am they came running back. I
am so blessed to have friends and family who listen to the voice of God
showing them He accepted me and it was time for them to do the same.
Likewise my hope for ministry has returned as well. I had believed
that as soon as I embraced my sexual orientation that God would take my
calling and gifts away. I found the opposite was true. Now I
am free to be all God has called me to be with out reservation and with
out living a lie. Door after door constantly opens for me to
minister to churches and community groups. Individuals needing
understanding and support through similar situations that I faced are
constantly crossing my path. My ultimate desire to plant and
pastor a church seems more feasible now then ever. It’s just a
matter of waiting on God’s timing.
Most of all, my dream to have a wonderful spouse and children are being
fulfilled. My partner Jared and I celebrated our one-year
anniversary on August 11. Jared is a dream come true. We are
truly in love, but most of all he loves God. He supports my dreams
of ministry. He is the perfect helpmate. We both desire to
have children of our own as well. As you can see God has restored
what the locust have eaten! He truly cares for all of us.
Many people ask me, “What about what the Bible says regarding
homosexuality?” It’s simply a matter of interpretation. The
seven passages that have been used to condemn homosexuality by many
theologians have all been answered and shown not to condemn
homosexuality by many other theologians. It’s just a matter of now
one interprets the Bible. I am not a Bible scholar, but I do
know my experience with God. He has accepted me just the way I am.
I am a child of God. He loves me. He bought me with the
price of the precious blood of His dear Son. He has called me to
minister His unconditional grace and love to all who will listen.
Regardless what anyone tells me about God’s ideas about homosexuality, I
know what I have experienced. I know God is happy with me.
He sings over me with His love, and I constantly sing back to Him. |
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Author: Jme L
Email: Pinkpot17@Hotmail.com
I fell in love with her~
Her smile, the way she moves, what she says, how she sleeps, how she
held me, her beautiful figure, our conversations....
It was love~
But the hardest part was telling my friends and family, how do you
really explain that you have fell in love with another women?
And coming out in school, not the brightest idea when you are surrounded
by rednecks all day long.
They hurt me~
They hit me, they kicked, they punched, hurtful words were shouted, and
i was being looked down on~
I didn't care, I was in love~
Now they all accept me, after digging up my social and human rights,
they all understand that it is not a disease, all it is is LOVE~
I am still in Love~ |
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Author: Jme L
Email: Pinkpot17@Hotmail.com
I fell in love with her~
Her smile, the way she moves, what she says, how she sleeps, how she
held me, her beautiful figure, our conversations....
It was love~
But the hardest part was telling my friends and family, how do you
really explain that you have fell in love with another women?
And coming out in school, not the brightest idea when you are surrounded
by rednecks all day long.
They hurt me~
They hit me, they kicked, they punched, hurtful words were shouted, and
i was being looked down on~
I didn't care, I was in love~
Now they all accept me, after digging up my social and human rights,
they all understand that it is not a disease, all it is is LOVE~
I am still in Love~ |
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Author: Elvia C
Email: xjanetxxclumsyx@aol.com
Why
Why is it that the way I live my life,
Makes you wanna judge me?
Why can't I express my feelings inside?
Because I'm worried of what you think about me.
I'm tired of having to hide myself,
And worrying about everyone else.
So from now on I'll worry about myself,
And give a damn about everybody else.
If I can't be myself around you,
then why should I be near you?
If you think my way of living is wrong,
I really don't care, I'll just move along.
There's nothing you can say,
That will change how I feel.
JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I'M GAY,
And RESPECT the way I feel! |
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Author: Anonymous
We fell together in confusion, a tangle of limbs and emotions and heat.
"What are we doing?" I cried to her ... she held me closer until my spirit
calmed, until our tears and our heartbeats merged into one. We lay
there together, one flesh, one heart, one love that would last forever.
I curled my fingers in her hair; we slept, and awoke the next morning for
the first time.
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