Author: Greg
Email: Greg.Young@umit.maine.edu
Everyday is a test for someone like me. To have to live in the shadows
surrounded by animosity and slurs has banished all hope for a brighter
tomorrow. For all of humanity's hatred I'm like a gourmet, devoured in an
instant. The very essence of being is stolen from me and there is nothing
I can say or do to prevent it. That's the nature of these malicious
individuals, they fear what is different.
All of my life I have been forced to wear a mask. I've grown, but my
courage has not. Uncertain about the pursuit, I'm the fox and the world is
the hound. A sinful cause rampaging forward.
If God created man in his image then how can I be wrong? If we are taught
to love our neighbor, why am I being tortured? I have so many hopes and
dreams like any other, yet one chattel so small banishes me to another
world. The assemblage views me as a cancer. A cancer with no cure.
This past summer I met a women who taught me that everyday we are forced
to wear a mask. Until that day you take it off, then you will be true to
yourself. A common misconception that is hidden from all. With a mask
comes costume as well, because when we wear a certain clothing, talk a
certain way, even the way we look at things in turn decide where we stand
in the world.
For 17 years I have been forced to wear a mask, 17 years of lying, feeling
different, and all just to keep myself safe. I have realized that to
finally feel safe I need to be true to myself, and the only people that
accept me are the ones I'm going to be able to count on. These people will
be my saviors, and in the end my angels like in "The Matthew Shepard
Story." I've realized who I am and thank God everyday for granting me life. I'm
not on to regret what has happened to those before me, all I can do is
mourn, and pray that God has a greater plan for me. A purpose that is both
fulfilling and pivotal to the land I call home. When is it time to say
enough? How many countless days, months, and years does someone have to
live a life of fear and regret? Will there ever be a day that I can feel
protected from the world today, or am I left to be ridiculed for choosing
something that feels so right , but in the end so wrong? Will I be
chastised to this mask until eternity? |
Author: Ericka
Email: ms_wingstbaa@yahoo.com
Well, to start out, I'm a 17 year old female, a senior in high school,
play sax in the marching band, and, oh yeah, another thing; I'm gay.
I started coming out to myself around November of 2002. I knew since
I was a young girl that I didn't like boys the way my mom like my dad
(goodness, that sounds childish... *sigh*), but I blocked it, because I
was, I guess, pressured to grow up, meet a guy, and marry him. And
being the wanting-to-please-everyone phase, I dropped my petty thoughts of
wanting to marry a girl.All through middle school, I was celibate, having no boyfriends (nor
girlfriends), and most of my friends were like "How can you stand not
having a boyfriend?" and I'm like "How can you stand having a
boyfriend? They're lazy, immature, irresponsible, and they'll
eventually break your heart." and my friends scoffed at me for that.
But time went by, and they found out that I was right (Yes, I was
right!!!!), and moved around from boy to boy while I was basking in my
self-imposed celibacy, and worried about some dark secret coming out (lol)
and blasting people with super-powerful nuclear power rays, so I was
constantly depressed. I couldn't put a name to what was bothering
me, but I was sent to therapy, and I made something up about another
student bothering me because I was different.
Then came high school, and I quickly found out how much BS the school
contained and found myself spiraling down into a deeper depression than I
had in middle school. I started cutting myself when I was 10 years
old but my freshman year of high school, I slipped up big time, and began
cutting in earnest. I also started writing suicide notes (in
biology, when I was supposed to be reading about plant reproduction, I was
writing about my termination... *sigh*), and eventually, I attempted
suicide on October 25, 2000.I still didn't unlock the secret inside of me the 7 days I was in the
hospital. I just talked about trivial things: stupid idiots at
school, feeling isolated, etc. I still couldn't even say to myself
that I was gay. I went back to school, and everyone told me how glad
they were that I was back, and everything, but I saw a different story in
their eyes (or so I thought), but I didn't try to attempt suicide after
that. I eventually blended back into the woodwork and focused on
band and school. I started my sophomore year, and that's when the
real shit hit the fan.
Someone started a rumor that I was gay, and even though most people didn't
say anything, it bothered me more than I let on. I panicked, and
started cutting again (even though I stopped a year before). All
sophomore year, I had people coming up to me asking me if I were gay, and
me denying it. I had failed chemistry, and I wasn't allowed (by my
parents... grr..) to be in marching band the fall of my Junior year.
That completely crushed me, because marching band is incredibly important
to me, but I worked just enough to pass chemistry with a D.
I think another reason why I was so distracted all first semester of
Junior year was all of the inner secret was trying its best to surface.
And finally November of 2002, I first admitted to myself that I was gay...
actually, I first said that I was bi, just to make myself a modicum more
at ease with the whole thing.
Growing up in a predominantly Southern Baptist environment that stifles
anyone who isn't white, male, Baptist, or straight. Luckily, my
parents chose to join a Presbyterian church, which doesn't condone gays
and lesbians, doesn't condemn them either. The main consensus is
that everyone is a sinner, so no one should be condemned for who they
are... or some BS like that... but anyways.. for a month or two I stuck
with the bi identity, but I finally realized that I'm not straight, I'm
not bi... I'm completely gay. January 1, 2003 was the first time I
looked in the mirror and said the words, "I'm gay." It
took me almost 2 hours, and alot of tears, but the relief was completely
evident when I could say the words.
It took another couple of months, though, before I finally told a friend.
I first told Samantha, who is bi, so I knew it would go well. It
did, and I began the slow process to come out to my close friends
individually. The hardest one was coming out to my friend Kelly.
She's been my best friend since Kindergarten, so I was concerned if she
didn't take it well. Thankfully, she did, and if anything, our
relationship has gotten closer (probably because I'm not hiding this from
her anymore) since I came out to her. My Junior year ended, and I
went to prepare for my Senior year.
This past summer has come and gone, and
I'm in my final year of high school. It's
been a liberating year. I've pretty come out to everyone at
school, and there are some stupid assed people who say things, such as
"I admire the people who killed Matthew Shephard", and
"Gays should be shot at killed", and other things, but on the
first one, I ask them if they even know the names of the evil people,
and on the second one, I say they should be shot but not killed.
I am a picture of mental health, and happiness. My journey has
been one of bumps, wrong turns, and discovery. I can finally say
that I love myself, and that I am gay. I can hold my head up high
if someone asks me if I'm gay. I am gay! But that by itself
doesn't even begin to cover who I am. I don't just define myself
as gay. I define myself as a musician, a friend, happy,
open-minded, loving, quirky (I have blue, purple, and white hair this
months...), nerdy, a Trekky, sorta pretty... and others.
I am a person, pissed about my rights being pissed on. As the laws
stand right now, I can't get married to the girl of my dreams, I won't
have partner death benefits, if I should die (and have children), my
children won't be able to say with my partner most likely. I've
become an activist, and even though I'm not starting up a GSA at my
school (I'm a senior, and I don't think that anyone would be open to it.
It would probably die after I leave, anyway... *sigh*). I can
imagine myself a few years down the road testifying in front of a Senate
trial thinggy....
I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I'm going to be in
it.
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Author: Nickie
Email:
newilliams079@yahoo.com
I was 19 when I came out to my family. My mother cried, my
grandmother talked me to death and my great grandmother wrote me letters
almost every other day. Everyone of them tried in their own way to make
me say or believe that it was a faze, but it wasn't.. I called my
cousin/sister all the way in Atlanta, GA to tell her. She told me,
"I knew already, I use to watch the way you dressed when you were
younger that's cool with me". She treated me no different than
before I told her. I love my cousin to death. My younger sisters love me
still the same. I told my aunt who raised me, my cousin's mother, and
she accepts it as well, as a matter of fact she asks me about it
from time to time.
My mother still is trying to make me straight and married
to a man, my grandmother still trips,I really don't mention it around my
great grandmother because she was raised Catholic. The Catholic religion
is totally against homosexuality.
I did struggle with it for a a while. I even considered
being with a man just to be accepted by my family because they mean alot
to me. That bird flew out the window fast! I realized I had to be happy
with me.
Well, another twist to this story is that I have a physical
disability, Spina Bifida (SPIN-A BIF-A-DA) which is a problem with some
females. I knew that would be a problem with some. Some people are just
about how one looks on the outside. I am very attractive. I am not
deformed in any way and EVERYTHING is in tact! (LOL) I just have to wear
braces on my legs, that is the extent of it.
I had a hard time coming out to my family. I had to wait
until I was on my own, for fear of being kicked out and/or disowned. My
mother actually forbid my sisters to see me for a long time.
I have been engaged to a woman, we talked about kids and the
whole 9 yards. The relationship ended though, for reasons I had no
control over. She felt the need to cheat with a man. I eventually got
over it in time.
On a better note, I am glad that I work for a company that stands
behind diversity. I am welcomed at work by all who know I'm gay. Which
is everyone. I am proud of who I am. Everyone who knows me, knows that I
am gay. I've gotten to a point in my life where I feel that it's time
for me to be happy.
I've also helped other females who were having the same problems
as I was, needless to say once they got over the initial fear of
"coming out" I never heard from them again.
I am looking for friends to hang out with. People who are open-minded,
mature, and cool, funny, and goal-oriented, people who can relate and
understand me, and accept me for who and what I am. If you wanna chat
feel free to email me. We can never have too many friends. Keep Your
Head Up!!!!
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