Author:
Ken
from Massachusetts
KENNY'S
STORY
As a young child, almost a teenager, I have always known I was different
from the rest of the family. All my life I knew that I was attracted to
men, but for many reason... I couldn't express my feeling to family or
anyone for that matter. Inside I was dying but I couldn't show anyone
that, not after my heart have been broken and shattered.
For two years in my teens, I was secretly seeing a friend name Matt, I
basically live there on and off. He was a very kind and understanding
person, giving each other support. We even made planned to come out to
family and friend together, but the week after my 16 birthday all
that have change. With my own eyes, I saw Matt get killed by a drunken
driver. Its was the worse day of life. I held him in my arms until the
emergency crews arrived, but he died in my arms after he told me that he
love me. I still have nightmared of that day, it's a sight I will never
forget. I felt lost and alone. I was really in shocked. The emergency
crews took me to the hospital. That's when they called my mom to come in,
my dad was at the bar as usual. Mom at the time was glad he was, so he
wouldn't know anything about my situation. There was a hospital counselor
there with me, because I had to tell mom about my sexual preference and
what as happened. She was shock and in tears, but at the same time, in
denialed. Like any other parent would say, "I'm only going through a
phased". That evening, dad was pass out from drinking, mom started
lecturing me with anger, She said " I needed to get that thought out
of my head, because I would bring shamed to this family and everyone will
definitely hate me.I
felt like I was a freak and just didn't belong. Worst of all, I felt I
couldn't talk about it or be myself. To do so would mean disillusioning
my family and alienating my friends (the few that were left by this
time). I had been taught that homosexuality was a sin and if anyone
found out I was "one of those," no one would want anything to
do with me. I think I feared ridicule most of all. So, I tried to
protect myself by seeming aloof, lying about my sexual experiences,
surrounding myself with an air of mystery. I succeeded alright--in
isolating myself, in depriving myself of badly needed human contact, in
becoming withdrawn. This, in turn, led to many years of feeling bitter
and of incredible loneliness. If I say a word of this to anyone, she
would disowns me". I was devastated, I feared and thought that I
was the lowest I have ever been. From that day forward, I became real
closed to mom, because I felt safe. She was the only one I could
confined to through the years about my feeling of being gay. She felt
like she was protecting me, but I was lost in my own thought. I actually
have kept this to myself for over many years without letting any one
know until now. I believe to keep this in for many years is just a
ticking timebomb ready to explode and is harmful to oneself.
Over the years I avoided intimacy with gay men. Yet, I secretly envied
those guys who were having the vital life experiences of which I was
depriving myself. Back then I was a guy struggling to find the real me,
a guy who fiercely didn’t want to have to admit being gay to himself
even though he’d really known for years. Now I look back though my
life and can only see obvious evidence to prove what I now know, but
back then everything seemed so confusing and unclear. Even though,
without my sibling knownledge, They began calling me "mama
boy". It really didn't help, I had to struggled and hold back
because I wanted to scream at them and say " I'm NOT a mama boy, I
AM GAY!!!". I was afraid of my feared and dreams because I thought
I would have nothing more to find within my life. All I ever had was my
silent of darkness buried deep down in my soul. I have always kept to
myself but I always maintained a very high level of shyness. Thinking
back now it makes me extremely sad to remember how miserable I was. I
would rather not get into the detailed but I have had low self esteem,
deep depression and suicide thought, but let just say I had gone through
tough times. The secret that I created were very painful as I was unable
to understand what is happining to me. I was so far in the closets, I
just couldn't fine myself to communicate with anyone. The hardest part
was to try and be honest with myself and coming out to myself.
Through the years, I felt nothing but unhappiness. I had to figure away
to break down the walls I have created around me and break down the
person that I pretented to be. So I could accepts who I wanted and dream
to be. People used to say I was special, unique, clean and the best one
out of the bunch, in my family, but I was no different from the rest. I
have my own identity. Coming to terms with these feeling has been
without question the hardest decision I have had in my life. This
challenged my integrity and of my identity as a man. I know I have shown
signs throughout the years but... no one have said or ask anything about
it. I have always felt incapable of loving other, that why I've decided
I just couldn't bear it anymore. A week before my mom death in 1993, mom
and I were alone. She told me she needed to talk to me. She apologized
to me and ask for my forgiveness. Of course I forgave and understand, I
just broke into tears. She then said if I'm not happy being married to a
woman, for me to go find the man of my dream. I should have done this a
long time ago. I never thought mom would ever support me and accept this
gay issued, but said "she love me unconditionally and that I
deserve to be happy", we hug and cry together.
I have decided I just couldn't bear it anymore. I needed to start living
my life and find happiness that I strongly deserve at the age of 37. Now
I can finally look into the mirror without crying and say I am gay. I
have found my strength to start a new, and am prepare for the road ahead
that may have some bumps along the way, but it's a beginning of my
journey to happiness. In December of 1999, I've decided to buy a
computer for my two children schooling, to do their journal and
homeworks. I ended up getting AOL so theycan do researches on the web
site.
In January 2000, my daughter said "dad come here, I want to show
you something". I figure it was to show me her homeworks as usual,
because she was doing so well before her high school graduation in June
2000. To my surprised I discovered you can talk to people on it, I was
amazed. Of course, it was really interested to me. Then, I came across
Rhode Island M4M room. It was like (BOOM!) this is what I needed to come
out of my shell. My admission of my sexuality was repressed until I was
38. I couldn't believe my eyes, there was so many like myself in our
society. I begun searching, I came across an ad on the internet, a list
of gay bars in Providence, I took it upon myself and being brave decided
to see what it was like. Mira bar was the one place I pick, after
sitting outside for more than an hour, trying to get up a nerve to
go inside. The people there were not the stranger that I was expecting.
They just seemed like regular folks enjoying a drink, dancing and
talking together. I was testing myself, but I stood in the corner shy
out of my skull, felt comfortable there and enjoying the most wonderful
evening with my kind of music. I just went with it. Initially it was a
frightening prospect but after learning that I wasn't alone and there
were millions of others like myself, I became comfortable with it.
Living in denial was a terrible thing to have to go through and even
though I have not come out to the world - coming out to myself was like
a ten ton weight being lifted off of my shoulders and I am so glad it
happened. I met a couple of person on the internet, but no chemistry.
Then a very nice person, we have secretly seen each other once a week
for 4 month, but the day after gaypride in Providence Rhode Island, I
have decided to call it quit. He was a great guy with lots of potential
and gave me wonderful advices, but I only seen our relationship as
friend because of my own stupidity and thought he only think of his own
feeling than mine. I felt bad and I hope we can be friend as life
goes on.
On June 16, 2000, I went with a friend of 4 month relationship, to
Providence Gay Pride Day. It was warmth and friendly, but the most
fabulous experience for me, I had a glorious time there. I can't even
count the number of times I would fall asleep looking out the window by
my bed into the nighttime sky and thinking that somewhere out there
MAYBE there was a place where I could fit in. It has caused me pain to
recall some of these episodes in my life. I spent a good deal of my life
afraid and ashamed of who I am, running away from my feelings. What made
it most difficult was that there was no one to speak to about the way I
felt.
There was something magical that happened to me that day and soon closet
door would be blown off the hinges. What happen to my shocked, three of
my daughter friend from school came up to me, one was like a daughter to
me (my daughter best friend) and a male friend of my daughter dress in
drag. I was stunned, because they told me my daughter was coming, my
heart started to racing faster and faster with feared, but she did not
show up. I was relief of course, but I knew then I had to come out NOW.
I ask her bestfriend to not say anything to my daughter, that I wanted
to tell her myself. It became obvious to me very very quickly that I
couldn’t keep my sexuality a secret, and so I actually came out to my
daughter. That evening, I talked to my daughter on the internet. I found
strength and she was the first I ever told of my gay issued, to my
surprised she took it very well. She said "dad, I love you, you are
my dad and you raised me very well, be happy". What a relief, that
was a start of me coming out, I felt like a hugh burden have been lifted
off my chest. I begin to feel free and completely alive. The next day
she came over and gave me a hug, I needed that from her. I thought I was
going to lose my daughter. You know, in away, I am very glad I waited
until my children was of age to coped with my situation. I think they
would have more problem dealing with it, if they were younger. My son on
the other hand, had a hard time understanding it. He knew because he saw
me in a gay chat room, and talking in instant message, but he did at
first had a hard time accepting his dad being gay. I got nothing but
silent and even with counselor session, he couldn't talk about it. As of
today though, he tell me he love me and seem to be OK with it. He gotten
used to the idea of me being gay. I know it will take times for any
human being to understand this situation. I am bless to have such a
handsome son and a beautiful daughter, because if I did came out in my
teen, I would have never know the life of raising children. I would
never trade them for anything in the world. They are my life, my heart,
my love and my joy.
Yes,! I was married twice, first one my mom fixed me up with to throw
people off, I got her pregnant and agree to marry my first wife two week
before my daughter was born in 1981 at the age of 18. Even though my
children were from my first marriage of three years, but I raised them
myself until I married my second wife in 1987. The one and the most
hardest person to tell that I was gay completely was my second wife who
I was with at the time. Even though, before we had gotten married, I
told her I have had a relationship with a guy when I was a teenager. I
guess at that time it was ok, after all we were getting marry. As
the result of talking and soul searching I decided to tell my wife. I
was scared of what might result but knew we could not continue being as
unhappy as we were. So you can say I somehow told her, but wipe it from
our mind to believe I was straight. I can't express the hurt and humiliation
that was hidden deep in my heart during the years, I withdraw my
emotions so deep, I mean deep down inside me, where no one could ever
reach them. I've became a prisoner of fear and learned to be visible.
Most of my life, I spend at least 80% in a shell of loneliness and fear.
I had even convinced my self I was shamed and not worthy enough in this
world. In February of 2000, I begun lying to my wife pretending I was
going to bingo, volunteering for deaf and disables children and even
made up a deaf club in Wareham Massachusettes ect. The lied and guilt I
felt was eating away at me. All alone, I was going to gay clubs. At this
time only my daughter knew, I told her to please keep it to her self,
until I get up enough nerve to tell my wife. On July 4th, that evening
this special guy IMed me on the internet, I felt a connection with him,
and begin seeing each other, and I knew in my heart this was the dream
man I've been looking for. I began to feel the love I never felt in my
life. Anyway in August or September, my wife began to be suspicious of
me going out a lot. Which I never done, but she starting to have a
feeling of me cheating on her. When she notice the bracelet my
bestfriend gave me, she knew. I cry that night, I felt dirty cheating on
her, but I needed to tell her and she wanted me to tell the truth. Its
was hard to do it face to face, I had to figure away to tell her. I have
decided to tell her over the internet. I told my wife and we experienced
many emotions in the days that followed. Believe me, It did NOT go well,
let just say she was hurted and devastated by the news. She had anger
toward me, but I don't blame her. I didn't even tell my family yet, but
my wife was so out of control, she got on the internet and told my
brother and his wife that I have cheated on her with another guy, and
that I was gay. I was upset, I felt it was my place to do so. Afterall, I do have a big family,
I have 8 brothers, 4 sisters and 2 half brothers.
However, just as I thought, the words traveled like wild fire. The
silence is forever broken in our family. I have gotten a message from
dad saying I was not his son, I was devastated, but soon later heard he
is ok with it, but as of today April 2001 I have not seen him. To my
surprised one by one started talking to me and accepting, but I still
have a hard time thinking if they really do or not, but I took their
words for it. Its took my wife and I a couple months of talking and
understanding one another, so I figure it was best to get a divorce.
Constantly fabricating lies I decided "enough was enough". I
felt the need to tread carefully on this new adventure of outing myself
but when I found the acceptance and ease I sped things up and haven't
looked back since. We both agree to it and to be good friend, because
she said "she still love me even though I am gay and want us to
continue to be friend". Oh boy! we cry and hug each other a
very long time. I just know we will get through this. After all, she
invited my bestfriend over for dinner that September and even hug him.
Some of my family even welcome him to the family. I'm sure the hurt is
still there for my wife, after all we were married for 15 years. I know
it will take her a long time to heals. She is beginning to be
supporting, excepting and understanding and I thank and loves her for
her friendship. The last 5 years was very difficult for me, I was
depressed and despaired. I tried to be like everyone, I tried to be
straight, normal and worthy of love. I was just unhappy plain and
simple. I thought of men but didn't really act on my feeling, I was
married, proud father of two who filled my heart with joy. However, my
marriage to me was more of a friendship, because sex was a rare
occurrence and interest just wasn't there. I held everyone at a distant.
I wouldn't let anyone near me emotionally cause of fear they would
discovered my secret. At this point I need to be honest with my self and
the people around me. Coming out is a life long process. I know first
hand how unhappy and alone a person can be when he lives a lie. I hid my
feelings because it was "bad" to have them. I withdrew within
myself, afraid that someone would find out who I was. I deluded myself
and lied about my gayness because I was afraid of it; and I feared it
because I could not turn to anyone for answers. So, I raised a wall of
isolation between me and the world at the expense of my happiness, my
health, and my personal development.
It's not that I purposely tried to deceive my wife. I think, now looking
back, I was deceiving myself, hoping that I would never have to face the
person that I really was. It is something I deeply regret because of the
pain that my wife has since had to deal with. But as time passed, my
desires and realizations of my sexuality became more and more clear
despite my attempts of repressing those feelings. We had drifted away
from each other sexually long before. It has only been within the past
year that I have truly accepted that I was gay. That was the first step,
and a big one, but it opened a floodgate of "now what?"
questions. I knew I had to come out to my wife. I had been living a lie,
and I had preached to my children the importance of honesty, so now I
needed to practice what I preached. But that still took some time, and I
knew that the first person I had to be honest with was my wife. I knew
it would be the hardest thing I ever did in my life was to tell my wife
and my love for 19 years that I was gay, and our marriage, in the
fullest and truest sense of the word no longer existed. Almost as hard
was telling my children. But one evening I finally had the courage to
say to her those three words. With tears already flowing I said to her
"I am gay." You may ask why I decided to “come out” and
hurt those that I love the most. My only answer to that is this: I had
reached a point in my life that I could no longer lie to myself or to
those I love. Over the many years of self denial I reached the point of
suicide more than once. I often thought that everyone in my life would
accept my suicide easier than accept the fact that I am gay. And you
see, it is not a choice, as many will tell you, that I have made. It is
not that I said “I want to be gay now.” It is simply who I am. I
have not chosen homosexuality any more than others chose their own
heterosexual orientation. And I finally accepted that. So I could not
hide it any longer. I was able to, for the first time in my life, be
honest and whole again, and I could be accepted, or not accepted, for
who I am, not for whom someone else think I am. With that, I felt the
world had been lifted from my shoulders. Since that night we have been
on a rollercoaster of emotions, knowing that our marriage would end, but
also still loving each other, continuing to be friends. We are taking it
one day at time. Over the years I've experienced much fear and hatred
towards me for being gay, but I've also been blessed with love,
understanding and acceptance.
The divorce was pretty hard for me to deal with, at the time I figured
it was a sign of personal failure… there was also a lot of anger and
hurt built up inside me, I thought I could suppress it if I concentrated
on my “plan”… my marriage and my carrier. Considering both options
pretty much sucked the life out of me… I really didn’t have a
chance. Then, I thought if I ignored it, it would go away. Well, those
late nights logging on-line to masturbate over pictures of nude men
while my wife slept in the next room wasn’t really ignoring my
homosexuality… but it was better than going to a therapist and
admitting that I could possibly have homosexual tendencies. So I learned
how to deny it. I learned how to block out any memories of my continual
“homosexual” indiscretions so that I could follow my blueprint and
live a happy marry life. I did several things to appease it, hoping it
would finally get what it wanted and go away forever… but it never
did. I resorted to a lot of late night on-line fantasy chatting with
married men across the world to keep the “homosexual” side of me
from making too much noise. Then I would beat myself up over it and
throw myself into an even deeper state of depression. Worst of all, I
felt like my homosexual “tendencies” were starting to consume me and
I believed it was because of my weakness that my life was falling apart.
In my mind I was an evil person that dreamed of committing acts that
would throw me into the fiery pits of Hell. I was being punished for all
my wrong doings. Everything was being taken away from me because I was
weak. I did not deserve happiness.
No one knew that I’ve been gay my whole life… I was just never given
the freedom to express who I really was… actually, I always had the
freedom… I just never had the courage to live the life that came with
that freedom. I was afraid of being rejected… and it was that fear
that lead me though all the experiences I needed to get me where I am
today. Today I am free to explore who I am without the fear of
rejection. It wasn’t easy getting to this point… but true happiness
is never easy. In order to understand true happiness one must understand
the essence of pain - and the best way to understand something is to
experience it. So, though out my life I was given several experiences to
help bring me to the very point I’m at now. There are a few things I
would like to go back and change… a lot of people say they wish they
could go back in time knowing what they know now… but they would never
know what they know without doing exactly what they did then. It’s
what we do with that knowledge that makes us stronger.
I was blinded by fear back then, which is why I don’t talk about this
period of my life very much. I pretty much thought I was doomed to a
life of punishment and an eternity in Hell if I couldn’t stay
straight. I remember there were times where the only thing keeping me
alive was the fear of what would happen to me after I died. Again, I
know I am not the only one to experience this.After that I had one
goal… I wanted to be happy. I went on a search for happiness. I
didn’t want to live with the pain I felt before I “came out” ever
again… in fact, it was the absolute fear of being unhappy that kept me
going like an energizer bunny for the past 22 years. Where am I today…
Have I found happiness?
Ooooooh YES!!! The one I met on line on July 4th 2000. He's a man that
has gone from nervous to someone I adore and fell in love with. I
wouldn't trade him in for anyone in the world. Our instant friendship
and happiness proved that we were soulmates. We just connected in away
that I never done before. I knew I could never love anyone like this
ever again, so I know it was faith that we end up spending the rest of
our lives together. He comfort me with love and understanding, even hold
me when I cry and kissed me. It was indescribable, and more meaningful
than anything I could ever imagined. When your heart realized what its
got and nothing can compare. The one you have make you complete. You
know you love him when beyond this world you will still want to be with
him eternity. He is more dear to me than anything. My happiness is
complete. He is my Knight and Shining Armor.
Now I’m basically catching my breath. Coming out of the closet for me
was just the beginning of a long road to recovery and the first step in
taking control of my own thoughts to break through my fears, blockages,
and limitations so I could let go of my past with love. Looking back
I’m amazed at all of it. I don’t have any secrets anymore. My past
is a part of me instead of something I am afraid to look at. I have
memories that I can use as the foundation of who I am and what I stand
for. I’m no longer searching for myself like a lost child in the
middle of the woods. I’m just enjoying the moment without being afraid
of my own mind. It’s true that our minds can be our worst enemy,
especially when we forget that we have the power to change our own
perception. It’s okay for us to be a little messed up when we come out
of the closet, because it is our first step at truly knowing ourselves.
It’s out first step towards truth. It is the first step to
understanding true happiness and experiencing self love.
I've learned that everyone has problems in life - being gay is just
another one of life's challenges. It's worse than some things, but
better than others. I feel no regrets for anything that has happened in
my life so far. I have finally learned to love myself. Coming out hasn't
made my life carefree. I feel that I've made considerable progress on my
own personal path of self-acceptance and personal understanding. To
finally end, I like to say I don't get angry or upset at people when
they say awful things about the gay lifestyle, in fact, I feel bad for
them. They are the one that have to live their life with hatred in them,
because all it does it eat you up inside. I can honestly say that coming
out to family and everyone around me I love was the best thing I ever
done. It was taking to much out of me, and I needed a peace of mind.
Even if at least one person don't except me, it's okay because I'm
living my life for me not for that person. Nothing feels better than
honesty with yourself. Yes you do loose some people in your life, but
why would you want to keep those who don't or won't accept and respect
you for who you are. It's such a remarkable feeling of liberation not
having this secret eating at my mind any longer. I'm just happy to have
things in my control with no fear, loathing, regrets but just the
future, which look extremely good to me. I'm still the same loving shy
person everyone as known, everyone just now know me a little better than
they did before. I hope after a certain level of acceptance of me, I
don't expect it to be over night, but hope in time, every one will
understand my life. I'm working hard towards putting all the pieces of
my life together. But I do so with a renewed sense of hope that
everything will work out and that I'm on my way to becoming the person I
was meant to be. It is a welcome feeling. I am very comfortable with my
sexuality and wouldn't have it in any other way. I proudly love being
gay!!! I began to let the real me emerge from that dark closet, I had
hidden in my entire life. Finally I have the courage to be true to
myself and to live life to the fullest through happiness. Now that I am
out, I can't imagine ever being in the closet. I look back on my life I
wish I had the strength to do it many years ago. But one good thing came
out of this, I never regret, I have two wonderful children in my life.
Now I can look at the moon, sun, stars, cloud and the rainbow in a
different light, instead of darkness. It gave me my identity AT LAST!
In truth we can let go of anger, live without worry, live in gratitude,
and love others and ourselves unconditionally. Life is an amazing
adventure and is as full as the joy we bring into it. Some say fear
gives us strength. Letting go of that fear set us free. Freedom opens
the doors to a world filled with love. Love is more powerful than fear.
You're not alone! Life is a precious gift: Don't let it pass you by in
loneliness, isolation, and self-hatred.
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